It was inevitable. Completely inevitable that something like this would happen. These were my thoughts as I walked through the halls. The chatter, the buzz of speech was blurred out in my head as I walked around.
As a child, I was innocent and blinded. I was forever scarred when I was rejected by the girl I thought was my best friend. It turned out that she and I only hung out because she thought I was nice. I thought she was the coolest girl in the grade because she was friends with older students.
The result of this was a wall. A steel wall, locked around my heart meant to keep out those who would hurt me. I remain guarded, cautious and suspicious of everybody. Each friend I made, I would be careful of the information I told them and that I wouldn’t become caught up in my own desires again.
And it’s caught up with me to bite me in the butt. Sure, I have friends, but no extremely close friends. No best friends that I could call my sister or my sibling separated at birth.
It’s lonely, so very lonely.
A small sigh escaped my lips as I saw the couples around me, holding hands, kissing and hugging. It makes me long for that type of companionship. It baffles others that I’m seventeen and still have yet to have my first kiss and my first boyfriend.
A friend walked up beside me, Dev, as he liked to be called, short for Devon. He was the one friend, who had begun to chip at the ice block that is my heart. I gave him a small smile.
“I know what you’re thinking, Ri, but remember, nothing is impossible, the word itself says I’m possible.” He gave me a cheeky grin. He always knew how to cheer me up and I valued that.
I laughed at his words. “Only you would quote Audrey Hepburn, Dev and no one calls me Ri. It’s always Ariya.” I muttered the last part, knowing that arguing with him would be useless because of his ever logical responses and well thought rebuttals.
We continued to walk towards our classes, when he abruptly stopped me, only to lead me to an older part of the school, where cameras have yet to be installed. It was a little nook that only the two of us knew about and the perfect hiding spot.
“I like you.”
I stared at him wide-eyed. It surprised me that anyone would like me. In fact, he was the boy who knew the most about me. He knew that I’ve never had a boyfriend. He could see my heart, locked with chains and a padlock. He knew of my loneliness and my desire for companionship.
And yet he still managed to like me. To say I was baffled was an understatement.“I know that you’re guarded, I know that you’ve never had a boyfriend, but I like you because you’re so genuine and so vividly real. You’re so very in the present and in the now and hardly in the future or the past.” He spoke, looking into my eyes and holding my hands.
“Give it a try. Give us a try.”
I accepted. And I couldn’t help it. I wanted to know what it was like to be loved, to have a boyfriend and to not feel alone anymore even if it is just for a small amount of time.
For those next few weeks, I was completely happy. He made it easy to be around him all the time and never pressured me to go for anything more than just holding hands or a hug. He made me feel wanted and complete and it was something I had never felt before.
“The most important thing is to enjoy life – to be happy – that’s all that matters.” He told me another time when I sobbed in his arms. I was being bashed by some of the girls in the school. Dev was not an unknown man in the school. He was looked up to by many of the younger students because he provided a good role model to them.
I gave him a weak smile and we walked through it together.
It felt nice not having to carry all my problems by myself and relied on another for advice as well. I was opening up to Dev and baring my soul to him. I finally felt at ease for the first time in my entire life. I was open, happier and less of a fly on the wall. I obviously still had some learning to do, but then again, who doesn’t?
I finally hatched when Dev and I kissed for the first time. It was amazing and like nothing that I had ever expected. It was a simple peck on the lips, but it still drew those cliché fireworks that are always mentioned in all romance novels.
I hatched from my shell and emerged into the world. I was a changed woman and I liked it. Dev had changed me for the better and everyone around me could see it. Since Dev and I began dating, I made friends who liked me for who I was and some of those old friends I had stayed, and most didn’t. Either way, it didn’t bother me.
“I believe in pink. I believe laughing is the best calorie-burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.”
That was our Audrey Hepburn mantra. The mantra helped us get through problems and live each day with vigour. It helped that he was in touch with his feminine side, and I with my masculine side. We complimented each other and I’m happy to say that I love him.
And he tells me each day,
“The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.”
It pained him. It truly did. He looked down at her, smiling, although sadly down at her. His best friend, his lover for the night. He stroked her beautiful chestnut locks and sighed.
He loved her. He met her when they were kids and when she first moved here. It was the classic story of falling in love with your best friend who also happened to be your neighbour. Over the years, he felt his love for her grow, although it was terribly one sided.
He watched her swear off men, then fall in love. Finally leading to heartbreak. It pained him to watch her go through it, but he didn’t want to ruin the friendship they had. He cherished it dearly and if his love for her would ruin their connection, then he would rather not take the risk.
She would always tell him that there’s nothing to lose by trying. She was always the risk taker between the both of them. He once told her that there was this girl he knew he loved and he didn’t know if he should tell her about his feelings.
She encouraged him greatly, saying,
“Finally, you’re going to get a girl. I thought you were either gay or celibate.”
He cracked a small smile at that memory before turning back to the woman that lay in the bed. He was glad they had chosen to go to her house amidst their drunken, lust filled euphoria. He wouldn’t have to move her.
He knew that by the time she woke up, he would be gone. He could pass it off easily as a trip to upstate New York to visit his parents. He didn’t want her to know that it was he who was in her bed last night. That it was he who gave her his love and passion.
His heart would break as he would watch her in the future, but he would always remember that night, last night. His one dream come true. He was able to fulfill his longing for one night, and for right now, that was enough for him. He wouldn’t breathe a word of this event.
He hoped she was too drunk to remember what happened, but then again, he also wished she would remember. She would remember his love for her.
He leaned down to kiss her on the temple and whispered in her ear.
“Comme si de rien n’était.”
He felt his heart shatter into a million pieces as he left her, but it was for her benefit. And he was finally able to do it.
He got up. And he left.
